I kissed you goodnight and then it hit me. I had kissed you goodnight for the last time as my baby. Tomorrow morning you will enter the world of toddlerhood. New challenges are coming, new adventures are on the horizon, but for a few more hours, you are my sleeping baby.
This past year has changed me in ways I cannot adequately put into words. It may be your first birthday, but it was also the birth of a new mom 12 months ago. A women terrified of all the changes that were headed her way, and yet a women so in love with this new little one snuggled on her chest.
Fear has been a constant companion in my first year of motherhood. Questions plaque my mind. Am I making the right sleep choices? Is he warm enough? Did he get enough milk? Is his latch okay? Does he feel content and safe? Am I causing emotional scars when he screams the entire time of our half hour car ride? What if something happens to me and I can’t feed him? What if I miss a fever or illness? This pressure that accompanied motherhood was new to me. Suddenly I was completely responsible for this precious little babe. God had chosen me to be this child’s mom and I was not qualified in the least. I remember having a moment in the nursery, holding my babe, begging God to give me peace. I remember resting in the thought that God had Evans days planned, He had formed Evan in my inmost being. God knew Evans frame and bones and he was fearfully and wonderfully made. God loved Evan more that I ever could, even sending his son Jesus to Die for my sweet little babe. As I flooded my mind with Gods truth, my fear and anxiety started to heal. And when, inevitably, the fears creep back in, I remind myself of that moment.
This past week in church the song “Because He lives” was played. While I have never particularly favoured that song, the lyrics stood out to me this time. The songs states “but greater still, the calm assurance, this child can face uncertain days because He (Jesus) lives” What hope I have knowing my baby is safe in Gods hands, even if safe does not look like what I hope it will be. If this past year has shown us anything, it is the uncertainty of the world, but the sureness and steadfastness of Gods unending love. I know Evan will face many uncertain days. If Evan decides to follow Jesus, his life will never be “easy” in the way the world view easy. I have grappled with the gravity of what I am raising my son to believe. I am raising my son to deny his flesh and follow Jesus. That’s not an easy task for the strongest of believers. It’s a choice I cannot make for Evan. Only Evan will be able to decide who his life belongs to. This mama prays over her son, and pleads with the Lord to draw his heart towards Him when Evan is old enough to understand.
I am thankful for a faithful and trustworthy God. So often the feelings of doubt and self depreciation creep in. It happens when I don’t comb his hair well, when he fusses all day and I don’t know how to make it better, when I don’t take him on outings enough, when I can’t get him to take a second nap for months on end, when I misjudge time and he lays awake in his crib for over an hour. I feel as though I’m failing. I want to do right by my boy because I know he will grow up and become a man with his own wife and children. I want him to carry the least amount of hurt and scars possible, and yet I know I will be the one to inflict so many of the hurts and pains of his life. It tends to happen when one spends so many years together. My prayer is that I will remain faithful in raising a boy to become a man of God, admitting my flaws and asking forgiveness along the way. I pray continually for wisdom to guide my decisions as his father and I raise him.
Our year together was a year of firsts, cliche as it sounds. It was a new rhythm to learn, a new human to get to know. It was a year of growth in so many ways. It was a hard year and a fast year. It was a year of so much love that I could hardly contain myself. It was a year of joy and wonder seeing my baby boy grow. I look forward with anticipation the years ahead. I look forward to seeing those first steps, hearing those first words and continuing to see that little personality blossom. For tonight I enjoyed the pre bedtime snuggles and held you tight. I whispered in your ear how much I love you, and kissed your little head with soft wispy hair. I held you for just a second too long before putting you down in your crib. In the morning, I will greet a toddler with smiles and excitement, but for just one more night, you are my sweet sleeping baby.
Evan Jude, mom and dad love you beyond measure. We pray continually for you to have a heart that longs for Jesus. May you find perfect peace and rest in God your Saviour as you grow to be a kingdom warrior.
Mama loves you baby boy.
Musings of a Mennonite wife and mom 